Irony by Belle Auld

​Excerpt from novella: There Has Always Been Water in the Crowsnest Basement


Skookumchuck
I arrive at my first train station not knowing how to hoop up train orders.


You stand beside the track with the paper orders inside a wooden hoop. When the train goes by, you hold up one hoop and the engineer sticks his arm out. You let go when his arm goes through the hoop. Then when the caboose goes by—same thing for the conductor, only you don’t have to aim so high. Then you go running down the track to retrieve the hoops.

This is the ‘80s when there are still cabooses and when trains still receive paper orders from operators.
Skookumchuck: smaller old trailer by the tracks. Smell of pulp mill, coffee, pot-bellied oil stove. Instructions on the wall for the Skooky switcher: list of all the dangerous commodities going into the mill. Day operator shows me some that, if spilled, can kill in 40 seconds. No instructions on what to do if there is a spill at the mill. 
“If the mill alarm sounds,” the day operator tells me, “run—drop everything you are doing; leave everything and run for your life.”    


This is not CPR policy he says. They don’t give operators dangerous commodity training. If a train with dangerous chemicals derails at a station, there is nothing you can do, he tells me, so no point providing training to operators. 
 *****
CP RAIL


DEAR FELLOW EMPLOYEE:
IN A FEW DAYS, RADIO LISTENERS ACROSS CANADA WILL BEGIN HEARING A NEW SERIES OF RADIO COMMERCIALS ABOUT CP RAIL.


IT IS A DIFFERENT KIND OF RADIO CAMPAIGN, AND I’M WRITING TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS BEGIN TO HEAR IT ON AIR.


I’VE ALWAYS FELT THAT THE MEN AND WOMEN OF CP RAIL ARE OUR MOST IMPORTANT ASSEST—THE CRUCIAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING A GOOD RAILWAY AND A GREAT ONE. IN DEVELOPING THE RADIO CAMPAIGN, WE TALKED WITH A GREAT MANY CP RAIL MEN AND WOMEN TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY THOUGHT.


THEY TOLD US ABOUT THEIR JOBS AND THEIR FELLOW WORKERS. THEY TALKED ABOUT CUSTOMOERS AND SERVICE. THEY SPOKE WITH PRIDE ABOUT THE ROLE THEY PLAY IN CP RAIL.
THEIR WORDS BECAME OUR RADIO COMMERCIALS.


IN MY VIEW, THE ENTIRE SERIES OF 60-SECND RADIO COMMERCIALS IS A TRIBUTE TO YOU AND ALL EMPLOYEES OF CP RAIL.


THE CAMPAIGN WILL BEGIN JUNE 6 ON MANY RADIO STATIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY. DETAILS WILL BE PUBLISHED IN CP RAIL NEWS.
 *****
Sparwood 
What passes as my living room in the Sparwood station (aka Atco trailer) is where the crews hang out. My room: 6 x 6, a tiny closet, a smaller-than-single bed, a table and chair, a tiny closet. The bathroom is so dirty I don’t want to use it. It has pictures of naked women on the walls.
*****
Elko
Gaye lives in the Elko station—a real old train station, not an Atco trailer. She has a big bedroom upstairs and a big kitchen. She almost never has train crews sleeping in her living room.
Our dispatcher tells us that Windermere (called Windy) used to have a nice train station—log and everything. But a train drove through it one night. Off duty operator asleep in the second story bedroom had to jump out the window. 
*****
“Fixed the robot the other day,” a trainman says.
“Oh yah,” the other fellow is impressed. There are only one or two specialists in the division to look after the fancy computer cars called robots.
“Yup—got 30 demerits.”
Nobody but a specialist is allowed to touch the robot cars.
***** 
CP Rail News 
An engine unit costs more than $150/hr. to operate
*****
Sparwood
I buy a copy of PlayGirl and post photos of naked men in the bathroom.  The naked women photos come down.
*****
Sparwood
Here’s the order we get Christmas Eve:
9 MESS XMAS CHEER
NORTH POLE AND SOUTHERN RAILWAY
FORM 19
TRAIN ORDER NO 1                        DEC 24TH 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TO  DASHER  DANCER  PRANCER  VIXEN  COMET  CUPID  DONNER  BLITZEN
                                AT      NORTH POLE
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DASHER  DANCER  PRANCER  VIXEN  COMET  CUPID  DONNER  BLITZEN   
RUN SLEIGH EXTRA
NORTH POLE TO CRANBROOK AND RETURN TO NORTH POLE
SLEIGH EXTRA SOUTH HAS RIGHT OVER
NORTHWARD EXTRA SLEIGHS NORTH POLE TO CRANBROOK AND
WAIT AT    CROWSNEST UNTIL NOUGHT ONE THIRTY            0130
        NATAL        NOUGHT TWO NOUGHT ONE        0201
        SPARWOOD        NOUGHT TWO THIRTY            0230
        ELKO            NOUGHT THREE THIRTY            0330
        FORT STEELE    NOUGHT FOUR FIFTY            0450
        CRANBROOK    NOUGHT FIVE THIRTY            0530 AND
WISH EVERYONE AT THESE STATIONS A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPLY [SIC] AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR FROM THE FRIENDLY TRAIN DISPATCHERS AT NELSON BC
 *****
Crowsnest
Crowsnest bunkhouse—the oil furnace explodes again. 
 *****
Minutes of Cranbrook Health and Safety Committee 
Page 4 under New Business
“Xxx advised basement at Crowsnest full of water. Xxx advised there has always been water in the Crowsnest basement.  Seepage problem.”
 *****
From Rule Book
L. EMPLOYEES MUST ALWAYS BE VIGILANT TO PROTECT, AND MUST PROMPTLY REPORT ANYTHING DETRIMENTAL TO THE COMPANY’S INTEREST, AND IN CASE OF DANGER TO THE COMPANY’S PROPERTY MUST UNITE TO PROTECT IT.
 *****
Elko
Temporary operator from Alberta tells Gaye about the time they took the motorcar from Morley to the nearest bar. They all got drunk. Forgot to check the lineup. Almost got run over by a train. They all bailed out of the motorcar before the train hit it, but the motorcar was totaled. The train stopped and they help bury the motorcar—got some sort of machinery from the section. The next morning they report the motorcar stolen (though no-one can figure out how or why).


This same temporary operator stays to tell Gaye this story while he waits to report a slight error in the way a new trainee dispatcher has given one order. I will think of this later when trying to define irony to my students.
​